Sunday, September 5, 2010

One Year and Six Months

On September 19 my dear little nephew Sage will have been with the angels for 18 months. I have learned threw his passing that each one of us grieves differently. For instance I have learned that I'm a keep it inside and don't talk about it but think about him everyday kind of griever. Until I can't keep it in anymore and have to talk to John. Sage's death has forever changed our family and the way we view each other. We cry at birthdays and thank Heavenly Father for allowing our child to have a birthday. When a child has their FIRST birthday I have such a feeling of relief I feel like its their biggest accomplishment they turned 1. Before I put my Caden to bed I always kiss his check and tell him that no one loves him as much as I do and to please wake up. When I hear his little cry threw the monitor I say a thank you prayer for allowing him to wake up. When Payten is driving me nuts I have to sit back and just remember at least she is here with me driving me nuts. Kaitlen has a broken leg and for the last six weeks John and I have had to do almost everything for her. But at least she is still here and a leg can heal. Haven lives a few thousand miles away but at least she is living. Sage has taught me to always love my babies that no matter what they did or will do that at least they are here to do it.

2010 has brought our family three new babies Caden in March, Ellie in August and Amanda's baby in October. My sisters and I can't help but worry until we are sick that something will go wrong. Sages death has taken our blinders off we no longer live in happy fairy tale land instead we know that anything can happen and the worst part about knowing this is even though Sage passed away we know that it doesn't give our family a free pass for all our other children. Instead we know that the time we have with our children is the most important time we will ever have. We always say you would think that with Sages passing nothing else bad will ever happen to any of us again that we should all win the lottery or invent the cure for cancer. Instead we know that lighting can strike the same place twice. So I encourage you all to love your children every minute of everyday. Play with them, laugh with them and teach them the gospel

Crystal and I will talk and say that at least Sage has made it, he will always get to live with Heavenly Father he will never have to worry about making it back home. But part of me a (huge) part would rather have him here with us I think we could have been his teachers he would have made his mistakes but at least we could have been his teachers. I know that I can't see the bigger picture and I know our Heavenly Father needed him but knowing this doesn't take away the pain. In most cases I just feel guilty for wanting him here with us instead of living with Heavenly Father.

To my Sage you have been gone 18 months and I miss you as much as I did that awful day in March. Till we meet again

Your Aunt


Liz said...

Oh Jessica thanks for the cry...Very Beautifully written. Sums up so much on how we all feel. So until we meet Sage again we will just stay strong, keep the faith and love one another! Love you!

Eldredge Family said...

Dear Jessy,

I love you dearly! We all feel this way! I wanted to say thanks for remembering my little guy and keeping him close to you and your family. I know that God has a plan even though I do not understand it at all! Thanks for the good cry and loving our family.

Sharron said...

Such a sweet post Jessy. So many people have learned those same lessons. Lincoln was watched like a hawk and the new one will too, as all of your babies have been.

Mariah just put in her request for a "mini-wedding dress" for their new one to be blessed in . . . with lots of sparkle.

I will think of Sage the whole time because right after your mom and I sewed Sage's burial clothes, I came home and made Lincoln's little outfit for blessing. There was a such an emotional storm going on in me, knowing what all of you were going through while we were celebrating Lincoln's birth and blessing.

Take care and hang in there. We all have you in our thoughts and prayers still.

Anonymous said...

Jessie, thank you for your message about Sage. I feel the same way. Even though Brooke is 7 and Gabi is almost 3 I am thankful every morning they wake up. It's like we are all holding our breath through the rest of our lives and hope and pray we can be with our children and family as long as possible. I found your blog on Crystal's page. I love getting to know you and your sweet family.