Wednesday, August 7, 2013

December 20,2012

Oh my goodness where to start, this part of my life that I wish had never happened. However thanks to my "bad" leg  and the fact that my best friend is no longer here with me, I'm reminded every single day that some lady by the name of Sue decided to drive that day while on prescription pain killers that say DO NOT DRIVE on the dang bottle. Linda, my mother in law my two boys and I went out that day to run a few errands. We were laughing and enjoying each others company when we saw a bronco coming at us in our lane. We had nowhere to go, instead we braced ourselves for what was about to happen. To this day all I have to do is close my eyes and I can hear the sounds of her bronco slamming into my van. An off duty paramedic was behind us he was at my door within minutes of the crash, he took Brennen who was only 2 weeks old at the time and gave him to a near by car, those people took care of him while the ambulance was on its way, I was trying to get Caden out of his car seat, he was screaming so loud and was so scared. his breast buckle had broken in half and it was stuck I was having a hard time unbuckling him. The man came and helped me with Caden, he took him to another car. Next I focused my attention on my MIL she was breathing short steady loud breaths, so I just knew that she was going to be OK. She came to once and asked me how my son's were and once I told her that baby 'B' was perfect and Caden had a few cuts she passed out again. To this day I regret not saying more to her, If I had know that those precious moments I had with her were going to be my last I would have told her how much I loved her and how her friendship meant the world to me. What felt like an eternity the ambulances finally arrived I told them to take Linda first, after she was out of the van it was finally my turn. I didn't realize my injuries until they began moving me. My screams echoed off the mountains surrounding us. For the first time I thought that I was paralyzed because my upper back hurt so bad, and then came my leg pain. The paramedics placed me in the same ambulance with Caden, he was so scared all he wanted was to hold my hand. With all my might I moved my arm and gave him my hand to hold, the pain was excruciating but he was so scared he needed to feel me. I remember fighting the paramedic about getting an IV I didn't want one because I heard that ambulance IV's hurt. Looking back on it now I can smile because that little poke was nothing compared to the weeks to follow. After we arrived at the hospital I was told that my left femur was broken, 5 back ribs, bleeding in my right knee and my right tibula bone was broken, I was told that I would need surgery in the morning to fix my femur. During this time the hospital was doing all they could to find John for me, he was working out of town an hour and a half away and I didn't remember his new cell number and stupid me had just drowned my brand new iPhone a few days before so I didn't have my phone on me. about an hour or more after being in the hospital my FIL came into my room and he told me that Linda had passed away, I remember crying and feeling so guilty because it was me who needed to go to town that day, it was me who asked her to drive my van, it was me, me,me,me and now my beloved friend was gone. When John finally arrived all I wanted was for him to take me home to hold me and make me better. To this day I have so much guilt that John's mom is no longer with us, that because of me she was out that day. Caden had a concussion, black eye and several abrasions on his neck and forehead. He was released the following day, Brennen was cleared that night he was 100% perfect.  The next three weeks I spent in the hospital, my mom took the first flight out and arrived at the hospital the next afternoon. She stayed with me everyday in the hospital, she held my breast so I could nurse Brennen, she walked him up and down the hospital hallway when he refused to sleep at 2 in the morning. She was there when I took my first step and held my head when I screamed in pain because of it. She helped give me baths and made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. She held my hand when I got the shots in my stomach 2x a day and she tolerated the hospital food with me!! I will always be grateful to my mom for her act of service and kindness following those months after the accident. John was my other rock, he stayed up every night with Caden at home, he loved and cared for our other children while I was in the hospital. I waited ALL day for him to come and visit me, my love for him grew 1000x over those 3 weeks. When we got the news that I would be going home we were all so excited and scared because at the hospital we knew what to expect and I honestly wasn't looking forward to getting into another car. My nightmares were in full force as it was and I knew a car ride wasn't going to help them. The car ride home was awful I cried pretty much the entire trip home and getting out of the car hurt like a mother, but I was home and within hours I was so glad to be out of the hospital. I couldn't return to my home, we had to stay at my FIL'S house because my house had to many stairs for me. I never returned to my home after that day, we moved to a town near John's job once the weather got better. My mom and John took care of me for another 2 months, John went back to work on his days off he would drive back to us and when he worked he stayed with his sister. My mom took care of me and my 5 kids when he wasn't home. Between the both of them I was healing and feeling better. by mid March I was walking with a cane and a very noticeable limp! My mom went home and John went to work and next thing I know I'm making dinner and I'm so happy to do it. Nearly 8 months later and I still get tired easily, I have 0 balance, I cant sit on low furniture or sit on the ground. I cant go hiking or take my kids to the park. What I can do is love them to pieces and ASK THEM FOR HELP. this is a huge one for me because I used to never ask my kids to help me do anything before. So this is my story it has been one heck of a year and I don't ever want to repeat it again. I miss my MIL everyday and play the "what if" game all the time. I have to have faith that Heavenly Father just needed her home and she is on the other side waiting for me to return. I have learned to always wear a seatbelt and to insure your cars for 200,000-100,000,000 dollars otherwise a 100,000 hospital bill will follow you around like a bad hair cut. I've also learned to love your family now because you never know when they will be called back home.    


Anonymous said...

I really truly have no words. All I know is playing the blame game and what if game sucks dearly. I know that beating yourself up over it. Will not make a bit of difference. Heavenly Father simply needed Linda to come home. He can take them any way he wants. Jessie you loved and still love that woman dearly. She loves you even more and is cheering you on every second of every day. She has a great work to do on the other side. She is helping your family everyday. It has taken me almost 5 years to "preach" such "sage advice" but know that I testify of these truths. This earthly life is but a moment in time. Soon all the pain and heartache will be but a memory. In the mean time enjoy the little things, learn to laugh threw the tears. Hang tough to the attonement of Jesus can and will strengthen you. Love you my dear sweet tender hearted sister. So many blessings baby B Caden and you. Linda did what any awesome Mother would do. Protect her babies. Stay tough.

Jessica Caldwell said...

Thank you for your kind words, I do feel bad every time I see John in pain or one of my kids sad that Grandma died. I love you to and I'm so grateful THAT I WAS GIVEN MORE TIME TO BE WITH MY BABIES.